the house was burning

It’s been a few years since I saw her name on the funeral home marquee, but I remember it all too well. One glance and the world slowed. I couldn’t breathe. That’s the problem with small-town marquees. They innocently announce funeral arrangements for people; you would much rather never exist at all.

I was seven. We were neighbors, and so the story goes. We were just playing a game. It was our secret, and seven-year-old me—well, she was the best secret keeper.

I don’t remember much about living in that trailer park, but I remember her. The way her house always smelled like cats and laundry detergent. The way she always had curtains and blankets covering the windows as if even a sliver of light would be too much to bear.

She didn’t do anything too terrible, but what she did changed me forever, and I was too young to even know. But that’s what happens to little girls in dark back rooms who are introduced to things way too early. Because seven-year-old me knew never to question anyone who was older and wiser, she sat on that bed with all the alarms blaring in her head. I wonder what would’ve happened if someone had advocated for that little seven-year-old.

I didn’t come from pancakes and morning prayers. I was forged in the fires of alcoholism and abuse, but hey, that’s life, and I was a quick learner. Stay out of the way. Stay quiet. Calculate every outcome of every move, and you can gain control.

But control is an illusion. Everyone is grasping at straws, trying to be in control of their lives. The tragic news is control isn't up for grabs. No matter how much you think things through. No matter how much you overthink. The decisions of those around you will always impact your life, whether you want to or not, no matter how tight your white-knuckle grip is.

Somebody else’s choices will forever alter your life at seven in a neighbor's bedroom, at eighteen fishing at a lake, and at twenty-three on a friend’s couch.

When you’re born into the fire, you think the whole world is burning, but it’s not. And you’ll learn you cannot carry that fire with you without burning everyone; scorched earth is no way to live. You must find a way to stand when you don’t want to and make beauty from the ashes of all you’ve ever known.

I don’t know much about this world, but I do know you cannot undo one act of evil with another act of evil. Only the light can drive out darkness, and you won’t make it through this life alone. Only God can rescue you from the depths of your mind. Stop grasping for control and let God take it from here. Otherwise, you will stay in the pits of anguish for eternity.